Letter Three

Little Miss Chloe,


I told the doctor ( remember the talking doctor not the sick doctor) that i would write every day for a week if i felt it didnt help i could send these letters up into the world in the air in a balloon and tell her she was wrong, well its day three and though i hate sharing my feelings ( kind of like your father) i guess this kind of helps, i dont know what i think about publishing these for the internet world to see, part of me hopes no one reads this as this could just be a place where i can just keep all of my letters in one place, part of me hopes the whole world sees this so they know how much i loved you, how i wont stop loving you and how i never stop thinking about you.

It is true, sorry to say you are all i think about, i go to bed saying goodnight Chloe, i sleep with your quilt, remember the quilt that i made you? I sleep with "Bow Wow" your stuffed dog, daddy and i fight over the dog sometimes so we put him in beatween us, poor bow wow gets crushed by us, but he has yet to complain. Maybe when this little baby is born bow wow will go in their cirb and not be crushed anymore we will see.

I have big hopes, big dreams for this little baby to be. You lived for 13 months, in that time you were the perfect baby, i know everyone says they have the perfect baby but you were. You rarely cried, rarely screamed, when you were poked with needles for blood transfusions you sat there and flirted with the doctors and nurses. The first few times you screamed your head off but sadly i think you got used to them. I almost think you liked those transfusions like you knew they helped you, after the first few you would just hang out in mommmy or daddy's arms while they messed with you, towards the end of your precious life, i would leave the room, daddy would leave the room we could not see them put needles into you anymore, and you know what? You didnt care. Maybe it was because you got to watch elmo, who knows.

We would leave you with babysitters ( something i dont know if i will ever have the courage to do with this new baby) and they would say oh she was great, id text them while we were at dinner, did she go down okay, Lisa ( our favorite) Would always answer with "Rachel, Seriously? i put her down, gave her the binky and she laughed at me and passed out." Then you would sleep for ten hours, you did this from the time you were a few weeks old. We would give you a binky you would literally laugh for a few seconds we would leave and i assume you went right to bed, unless you were partying in there with out us, very possible.

When you got very sick just after your birthday, just after we celebrated remission the doctors would ussually give a patient meds to manage the pain during their "Last days" ( oh do you know how much it hurts to say that?) Well with you little miss, they were not needed, im sure you were in pain but you were not bothered by it, and honestly we would have rather had a normal Chloe for a few days and be  able to play with you then have a drugged baby who slept for her last hours. You never cried during those last few days, you were prefect it was like you wanted your fight to end and you were accepting it ( something i still have yet  to accept.)

I will always remember your last few moments laying across mommy and daddy in the bed, mainly because it was a big fight over who got to hold you, thats how much you were loved. Grandma Grandpa, everyone was around, we had a big cake, champaigne it was our celebration of life party, the days you took your last breaths. Just after we toasted you, you fell asleep and didnt wake up, it was so peacefull. it was like you were waiting, knowing how much grandma spent on that pretty cake, knowing how expensive two bottles of champaigne were, you wanted to let us celebrated and you wanted to let go of this evil ilness in the presence of everyone you love.

Well, my short little blog this morning has turned long and your doggies are barking to go outside ( we got a new puppy, ill tell you about him later). And mamma needs to go to work!

Love you

Ps. I feel silly writing these i wont lie