Letter One

Dearest Chloe,
You have blessed us with two babies, unfortunatly one has not made it and you have one little brother or sister waiting to make her debut in May. I honestly think this little one is a boy theres a few reasons, but the main reason is that daddy and I have been having such fights about names and i think naming a boy would not cause a world war two in the house, well i guess this would be three.
After you passed Daddy and I went through some hard times, we had a chemical pregnancy ( though i know you dont kn ow what that is) we were pregnant then were not, we almost got divorced then we renewed our vows took a trip to Paris and now were waiting on your brother or sister.
So back to the name thing, we want to name this baby after you, some place in the name we want Chloe or Anne, and lets face it naming you was pretty dang hard, so we know we both like those names, and we want your memory to live on. We have so many ideas both of us for names that include Chloe or Anne in them but we can not agree on one, and i was crying to my poor doctor yesterday about names. I feel like if we have a boy life would be easier, it would be new, i would not only have an easier time with names ( though finding a boy name that has Chloe or Anne in it would be hard and not really nice, we are thinking of C and A Names. And so you know little miss ( Remember how we always called you that since you ruled our house?) I am not going to a doctor becuase I am sick like you were, its the talking Doctor as we call her she helps me sort out my lifes problems. Anyways, im going off on a tangent but i feel like if we had a boy this time around there would be nothing to compare to, i would not be worried if he got sick, because boys sickness's are different then girls ( i know im living in a fairy tale land).
All i want is for my son or daughter to bury me, i want to die before them, if i have to put another little tiny tiny pink or blue casket into the ground i think it will put me over the edge. Burying you was the hardest thing ever ( you know you were there). When we buried Little Ian, your cousin who passed away from the same damn cancer that took you i said after that funeral i never want to see that many grown men cry again, and sure enough when we had your funeral they all cried again, you know you were there you saw how hard it was. I will not go through it again i refuse to, and because of that reason as soon as this baby comes we are getting every test out there, i will make them count the babies blood cells make sure they are not to high or low ( how you were diagnosed), i will march that baby into the ER like a crazy women when he or she has a cold, people can laugh at me but i will forever carry the necklace with you and me in it around my neck so when they say im crazy ill say look at this cute face do you see her with me? NO, you dont, thats why im marching him or her in here like a crazy person.
You have taught me alot Chloe, youve taught me how to love someone again ( ie your father) even when he refuses therapy or thinks its crazy that im going to print this and attach it to a pink baloon and sent it off into the world ( remember all the pink balloons?) You loved them! Even though daddy is not perfect i love him, i worry for him, that this grief that he is to manly to deal with will take over him, im hoping it does so that he will go and talk to someone. YOu see, if you remember daddy works as a fire man, remember riding the truck? Seeing all the guys, "Auntie Kathy, and Uncle Lee" at the fire station? He likes to be a man's man, he is trying to be tough probably for me but its jsut eating him alive, i hope one day and one day soon he will get some therapy.
That is is for now i think, whatever you do, if you have the power, make this baby happy healthy and one who lives longer then i do:)
Love you little Miss!