Thats right Chloe, your going to be a big sister ( you already knew that) but your going to have a little sister. We are so excited, and im so excited that daddy got to be there when they told us. I would have been happy with a boy, obviously, healthy and happy right? But i am so happy, and as bad as this will sound, im so happy i get a redo. I am so happy i get the chance again to raise a little girl. Its almost like a second lease at life, and i refuse to do anything to put this little girls life in jepordy. I will do everything correctly, she will be spoiled, like you were, she will be loved, as much as you were, and she will know about life, and how unpredictable it can be, and how unfair it can be, she will know about you, she will be sleeping with your photo, and probably your puppy ( if mommy and daddy can give him up). Shes going to know love, and patience, shes going to know health and happyness, shes going to know everything that you never got to know. She will walk, and crawl ( something you never did), she will not be in the hospital longer then for jsut her birth, she will talk, go to prom, have fights with us, and cry with us. She will go on a prom date ( while daddy holds the shot gun), she will get married, and have kids of her own. Shes going to be perfecct just like you were. However, cancer will not take her life i refuse it, i wont let it.
It is official, im qutting my job as of March 1st 2012. Ive learned life is precious, you never know what is going to happen. I will enojy the last few months of my pregnancy because life is unpredictable, i will decorate a nursery, i will go shopping, i will eat healthy foods and i will have a perfect baby, im commited to this. After the baby is born she will not go to daycare, im to whimpy ( remember that terrible call i recieved?) I am so scared of that to happen again, i replay it in my head "Chloe soaked through her sheets during nap, high fever, cranky." BUt she was healthy and happy when i dropped her off? LIfe can change that fast, next thing i know im learning about blood transfusions and cancer, something no one should ever have to learn about.
Kates mom and i are starting a non profit, to raise money for not only cancer awarness but to make lives easier for those families battling through this hell. It is still in the planning stages, but we hope to make a house thats safe for families and children with cancer to go ( no germs ect). We hope to hold holidays there for parents who have kids in the hospital, a big Thanksgiving dinner, a big Holiday Dinner, we hope to provide laptops to students who are in the hospital so they can communicate with friends, and do homework so they themselves can have bright futures full of education, we hope to provide tools for parents, financial assistance so parents who live 400 miles away can stay close to their children who are in the hospital, we will have dinners, walks, runs, races, and much more, its going to be amazing. We will provde meals in the hospital for the nurses and doctors who spend endless hours making our lives better we will provide hope.
Your legacy will live on through our new daughter and our new organazation. To say i miss you is an understatment
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Dont have Much to say..
dearest Chloe,
The name fight continues, to name your new brother or sister that is, i was crying last night over a name, nothing is working, we thought we loved the name Cole, but daddy wants Coleton, and well yuck, i dont like that name, then we have a middle name problem what middle names goes with Cole that could still honor you? And girls names we cant agree and have to many, so i dont know what to do but cry, its what i do anyways. We find out Tuesday if we have a boy or a girl and im sure world war what ever number were on will start up again.
Kates funeral sucked, theres no way around that. I knew it would, but i was hpoing it would be alittle easier then yours, as she is not my child, but nope no such luck it was terrible, i sat there looking into the ground at a cute pink casket and all i could think of was the day that we burried you. ONce again i dont ever want to see that many grown men cry again.
I am not thankfull for much this year. When we sat around the dining room table for Thanksgiving i could not think of one thing i was thankfull for..But here is my short short list
*that i got to spend as long as i did with you
*That i have a healthy baby growing in me
*for my wonderfull family
The name fight continues, to name your new brother or sister that is, i was crying last night over a name, nothing is working, we thought we loved the name Cole, but daddy wants Coleton, and well yuck, i dont like that name, then we have a middle name problem what middle names goes with Cole that could still honor you? And girls names we cant agree and have to many, so i dont know what to do but cry, its what i do anyways. We find out Tuesday if we have a boy or a girl and im sure world war what ever number were on will start up again.
Kates funeral sucked, theres no way around that. I knew it would, but i was hpoing it would be alittle easier then yours, as she is not my child, but nope no such luck it was terrible, i sat there looking into the ground at a cute pink casket and all i could think of was the day that we burried you. ONce again i dont ever want to see that many grown men cry again.
I am not thankfull for much this year. When we sat around the dining room table for Thanksgiving i could not think of one thing i was thankfull for..But here is my short short list
*that i got to spend as long as i did with you
*That i have a healthy baby growing in me
*for my wonderfull family
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Heres my attempt.
Chloe,
I sit here on a gergous Sunny Cold Sunday morniing drinking my coffee, watching a deer outside in the yard and i cant think how unfair life is. Why a baby, child, teenager, or even a young adult gets taken from this world everyday from cancer is beyond me. Why another parent will be going through the hell ive gone through while their child is poked, and diagnosed with a cancer is beyond me. Why did i ever put poision into your body to help you? I have no idea ( and im talking about chemo). Did i kill you? Did the posion kill you? I know it didnt but still.
When i would go pick up your meds at Walgreens the lady would always tell me, Ms Richards, why in the world are you back? She knew why, i was picking up the endless amount of medicane for my baby girl who had cancer, yep i was that mom. Do you know how long it took me to face the nice people at the Walgreens pharmacy after you passed? I had to switch pharmacys because i did not want to be that mother in another place, that mother who lost their child. I did not want to go back to that walgreens and for them to ask hows sweet Chloe? How would i answer that? So yes, its been over a year since ive seen those nice people, instead i go 5 minutes further to a King Soopers where they are not nearly as nice but they dont know that my life is terrible, they have no idea that i lost a baby to cancer and you know what? I like it like that.
Remember the small town we live in? Well, everyone knows me, they all brought meals when you were sick, they all sent letters, cards, flowers when you passed, they all know where you are buried and i am that person. The person who when i walk into the coffee shop they give me the sympathetic hello are you doing ok? I hate it, i hate the sympathy i dont want your damn sympathy i want this illness to stop. If one more person tells me how sorry they are, i dont know what im going to do, its a given that they are sorry and repeating it brings back pain, but who am i kidding? The pain is always there.
It saddens me to bring another baby into this world. I am scared shitless of the what ifs, i am scared this baby will get some other disease, that it will be stillborn or get sids, maybe get the flue when it is 3 days old and not be able to fight it. I am dreading that it will come to early, and just a week ago i wanted the baby to come early, i wanted it to come on the day you passed,that would make it 1 month early, but now now i dont. Do i want it to come on kate's bday? No no i dont, i dont know if i want it to come out at all, i think id like to let it grow up in the safety of my tummy where i can protect it from this terrible harsh world. My God please please let this baby be ok, let me not wake up in fear every day, let me not go to the er at 8am, and please please i dont ever want to get a call from its daycare providor stating come pick up so and so there fever is out of control and they have wet their bed sheets from sweat.
Which brings me to the next point, Daddy expects me to leave this baby alone with someone, i laugh at him. I think I am going to quit my job, i know that Chloe would have been diagnosed with or with out daycare, i know i would have still had a baby sweating out of her crib but she would have been at home. I never want to receive a call from a daycare, nanny or babysitter again. I dont want to be that mom who calls the daycare or sitter ten times to make sure the baby does not have a fever. for them to tell me mam, you dropped your baby off and they were normal this morning. Well, i dropped a normal Chloe off at daycare only to have it become the worst day of my life. So, with that im quitting my job, when? Who knows, but i will, i love my job, i work in early intervention, and this is a great service that you recieved while sick, and it hurts me to not do this anymore, i love it, but i cant leave this baby with someone like a daycare sitter ect im to paranoid. Maybe grandma will watch him/her, or auntie Lynn or someone but still i dont know. Part of me wants to spend all my time and money looking for a cure to this crap.
I volunteer at the Childrens Hospital where you and Kate both lived for many many years, and i say lived becasue you were there more then at home sadly, i love it, i love giving those parents a break. When you were in the hospital we had a rule, well mommy had a rule you were never going to be alone ( i was a bit crazy, still am hehe). Well, when ever we would go home for a bit, we would call the nurse and up came a smiling volunteer, they would gladly put on a mask, gown, wash their hands and play with you. Oh those volunteers loved you. They would always come up with a new toy and would rock you untill you were asleep and couldnt think of this eveil world, and i love that i now do this for people, does it hurt? Yeah it hurts like hell. But i love relating to the parents, i love the help and peace i can give them so they can go home and do laundry, or can go take a shower and know their little one is being entertained. Happy? Well the kids arnt always happy but ya know. So on that note i have no idea what im going to do, i qill quit my job, i dont know when and im not 100 percent sure why but i know i want to spend all the time with my little baby because i lost out on so many great years with you.
Wow, can you say tangent? I sat down to takl about Kate, and look at this all about me for 6 paragraphs. So lets talk about kate...
Her favorite color was Yellow
Her "Lovey" Remember your bow wow, she had a rabbit hop hop
Her favorite food was french fries
She always had a smile on her face, much like you no matter how many needles went into her she was happy
She was perfect as were you
Her funeral is Tuesday and i honestly dont know if i can go, of course i will but seeing a little casket in the ground will kill me, think it may put me over the edge and im scared shitless. I am scared because im pregnant, im now scared for this unborn baby, who before i was scared to bring into the world ( obviously im not sure whats up with the emotions and cant think straight apparently haha) so i was scared to bring this baby into the world a few minutes ago and now im afrraid to see another pink caket go into the ground becasue im scared for this unborn baby, im scared that stress will get the most of me and ill go into pre term labor, i went to see the therapist yesterday and we talked on the phone early this orning, and life is killing me slowely i honestly belive this. I am calling my ob tomorrow because im so scared for this unborn baby and all the stress, i dont care what it takes i will freaking be seen ( haha im a bitch i guess, excuse my language). I honestly am scared im scared for life, and i want the ob to put me on some kind of happy medicane, i want a med that makes life okay, and i want to see that this baby is a ok.
Well, i guess this helped? Who knows
Love you and Ms. Kate!
I sit here on a gergous Sunny Cold Sunday morniing drinking my coffee, watching a deer outside in the yard and i cant think how unfair life is. Why a baby, child, teenager, or even a young adult gets taken from this world everyday from cancer is beyond me. Why another parent will be going through the hell ive gone through while their child is poked, and diagnosed with a cancer is beyond me. Why did i ever put poision into your body to help you? I have no idea ( and im talking about chemo). Did i kill you? Did the posion kill you? I know it didnt but still.
When i would go pick up your meds at Walgreens the lady would always tell me, Ms Richards, why in the world are you back? She knew why, i was picking up the endless amount of medicane for my baby girl who had cancer, yep i was that mom. Do you know how long it took me to face the nice people at the Walgreens pharmacy after you passed? I had to switch pharmacys because i did not want to be that mother in another place, that mother who lost their child. I did not want to go back to that walgreens and for them to ask hows sweet Chloe? How would i answer that? So yes, its been over a year since ive seen those nice people, instead i go 5 minutes further to a King Soopers where they are not nearly as nice but they dont know that my life is terrible, they have no idea that i lost a baby to cancer and you know what? I like it like that.
Remember the small town we live in? Well, everyone knows me, they all brought meals when you were sick, they all sent letters, cards, flowers when you passed, they all know where you are buried and i am that person. The person who when i walk into the coffee shop they give me the sympathetic hello are you doing ok? I hate it, i hate the sympathy i dont want your damn sympathy i want this illness to stop. If one more person tells me how sorry they are, i dont know what im going to do, its a given that they are sorry and repeating it brings back pain, but who am i kidding? The pain is always there.
It saddens me to bring another baby into this world. I am scared shitless of the what ifs, i am scared this baby will get some other disease, that it will be stillborn or get sids, maybe get the flue when it is 3 days old and not be able to fight it. I am dreading that it will come to early, and just a week ago i wanted the baby to come early, i wanted it to come on the day you passed,that would make it 1 month early, but now now i dont. Do i want it to come on kate's bday? No no i dont, i dont know if i want it to come out at all, i think id like to let it grow up in the safety of my tummy where i can protect it from this terrible harsh world. My God please please let this baby be ok, let me not wake up in fear every day, let me not go to the er at 8am, and please please i dont ever want to get a call from its daycare providor stating come pick up so and so there fever is out of control and they have wet their bed sheets from sweat.
Which brings me to the next point, Daddy expects me to leave this baby alone with someone, i laugh at him. I think I am going to quit my job, i know that Chloe would have been diagnosed with or with out daycare, i know i would have still had a baby sweating out of her crib but she would have been at home. I never want to receive a call from a daycare, nanny or babysitter again. I dont want to be that mom who calls the daycare or sitter ten times to make sure the baby does not have a fever. for them to tell me mam, you dropped your baby off and they were normal this morning. Well, i dropped a normal Chloe off at daycare only to have it become the worst day of my life. So, with that im quitting my job, when? Who knows, but i will, i love my job, i work in early intervention, and this is a great service that you recieved while sick, and it hurts me to not do this anymore, i love it, but i cant leave this baby with someone like a daycare sitter ect im to paranoid. Maybe grandma will watch him/her, or auntie Lynn or someone but still i dont know. Part of me wants to spend all my time and money looking for a cure to this crap.
I volunteer at the Childrens Hospital where you and Kate both lived for many many years, and i say lived becasue you were there more then at home sadly, i love it, i love giving those parents a break. When you were in the hospital we had a rule, well mommy had a rule you were never going to be alone ( i was a bit crazy, still am hehe). Well, when ever we would go home for a bit, we would call the nurse and up came a smiling volunteer, they would gladly put on a mask, gown, wash their hands and play with you. Oh those volunteers loved you. They would always come up with a new toy and would rock you untill you were asleep and couldnt think of this eveil world, and i love that i now do this for people, does it hurt? Yeah it hurts like hell. But i love relating to the parents, i love the help and peace i can give them so they can go home and do laundry, or can go take a shower and know their little one is being entertained. Happy? Well the kids arnt always happy but ya know. So on that note i have no idea what im going to do, i qill quit my job, i dont know when and im not 100 percent sure why but i know i want to spend all the time with my little baby because i lost out on so many great years with you.
Wow, can you say tangent? I sat down to takl about Kate, and look at this all about me for 6 paragraphs. So lets talk about kate...
Her favorite color was Yellow
Her "Lovey" Remember your bow wow, she had a rabbit hop hop
Her favorite food was french fries
She always had a smile on her face, much like you no matter how many needles went into her she was happy
She was perfect as were you
Her funeral is Tuesday and i honestly dont know if i can go, of course i will but seeing a little casket in the ground will kill me, think it may put me over the edge and im scared shitless. I am scared because im pregnant, im now scared for this unborn baby, who before i was scared to bring into the world ( obviously im not sure whats up with the emotions and cant think straight apparently haha) so i was scared to bring this baby into the world a few minutes ago and now im afrraid to see another pink caket go into the ground becasue im scared for this unborn baby, im scared that stress will get the most of me and ill go into pre term labor, i went to see the therapist yesterday and we talked on the phone early this orning, and life is killing me slowely i honestly belive this. I am calling my ob tomorrow because im so scared for this unborn baby and all the stress, i dont care what it takes i will freaking be seen ( haha im a bitch i guess, excuse my language). I honestly am scared im scared for life, and i want the ob to put me on some kind of happy medicane, i want a med that makes life okay, and i want to see that this baby is a ok.
Well, i guess this helped? Who knows
Love you and Ms. Kate!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
RIP Katelyn Marie
Chloe ( and readers in cyber land)
It saddens me to write that Katelyn took her last breaths at 1:03 this afternoon, she passed peacfully holding her mom and dads hands and laying on Grandmas lap. I am beyong the point of sad, im angry im angry that another little girl was taken from this world, and i hate that this will happen again tomorrow, it wont be someone i know, but it may be someone who lives in this hospital, or someone whos in this state, and their may be another child passing away half way across the country. While this is happening another child will be diagnosed with cancer, Everyday while one child passes, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer and this just stabs me in the heart.
RIP Katelyn Marie May 3rd 2009 to November 19th 2011
It saddens me to write that Katelyn took her last breaths at 1:03 this afternoon, she passed peacfully holding her mom and dads hands and laying on Grandmas lap. I am beyong the point of sad, im angry im angry that another little girl was taken from this world, and i hate that this will happen again tomorrow, it wont be someone i know, but it may be someone who lives in this hospital, or someone whos in this state, and their may be another child passing away half way across the country. While this is happening another child will be diagnosed with cancer, Everyday while one child passes, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer and this just stabs me in the heart.
RIP Katelyn Marie May 3rd 2009 to November 19th 2011
Baby Kate
This is more to the readers out there. As i dont have much to say.
I got a call at midnight last night that Kate was taking a turn for the worst . As of 7am this morning ( its 8:45now) she has been unresponsive. She is breathing but only with the help of machines. Her mom says they will talk to the doctors this morning and decide what to do, to say im devestated is an understatement. I just want to yell F You Cancer.
Will keep yall updated im off to the hospital
I got a call at midnight last night that Kate was taking a turn for the worst . As of 7am this morning ( its 8:45now) she has been unresponsive. She is breathing but only with the help of machines. Her mom says they will talk to the doctors this morning and decide what to do, to say im devestated is an understatement. I just want to yell F You Cancer.
Will keep yall updated im off to the hospital
Friday, November 18, 2011
Meh Weekends
Chloe,
Ihave not known what to say the last few days, in all honesty life sucks and i hate to be a downer when i write but i guess here we go. I hate life right now, i hate that kate is not going to be here much longer, i hate that your going to have a new sibling and 2 months later twin cousins being born and you wont be here for any of it. I hate that daddy and i are still having problems in our marriage and i hate how he wont just let go and grief the loss of you. I hate that i am getting fatter by the minute and i hate that there is a such thing as cancer. I hate weekends, ihate not having a routine and i hate being bored, like i am now, when i jsut sit and mingle in my own thoughts.
Im sorry to be a downer, maybe a more positive post tomorrow.
Ihave not known what to say the last few days, in all honesty life sucks and i hate to be a downer when i write but i guess here we go. I hate life right now, i hate that kate is not going to be here much longer, i hate that your going to have a new sibling and 2 months later twin cousins being born and you wont be here for any of it. I hate that daddy and i are still having problems in our marriage and i hate how he wont just let go and grief the loss of you. I hate that i am getting fatter by the minute and i hate that there is a such thing as cancer. I hate weekends, ihate not having a routine and i hate being bored, like i am now, when i jsut sit and mingle in my own thoughts.
Im sorry to be a downer, maybe a more positive post tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Letter Four
Dearest Chloe,
Once again i hate to admit i feel a bit silly writing this, ive debated what to say or if i should write anything since 6am, ive started this post three times, and ive deleated it three times so i hope the fourth time is a charm. Here it goes, to say its been a rough day is an understatement
You had a very good friend while you were in the hospital. Her name is Kate, Kate is around your age and was diagnosed a week after you with the same kind of cancer you had. You and Kate roomed next door to each other many times. Kate's mom and i would sit in the parent lounge every night while you girls were in the hospital at the same time, we would drink endless amounts of coffee, eat all the nurse's treats, and talk for hours, we would, talk about our hopes our dreams for our daughters and our fears for our daughters.
When you passed away, Amy and jeff ( Kates parents) stood by us sobbing with us, fearing that one day this would be their baby girl too, mourning the loss of their daughters friend. Amy called me up after your death and asked how she would get through this with out me, so for months on end, every night id come home from work and make the drive to the hospital, press the number 5, and some how would build up the strength to go and sit with Kate and her mom. I'd look into room 503 and see a new family, fighting for their childs life, id see the same nurses the same doctors doing the amazing things that to them is just a job, to us its our world. We would watch movies, we would talk, laugh, play games and cuddle with Kate. I probably spent four nights a week at the hospital with Amy and Kate, Daddy and Jeff would have "Man time" as we call it, when they dont talk about their feelings.
As Kate grew older, when she was home, we would take walks with Kate, id chear her on during therapy sessions, we would color together and when kate landed in the hospital back i went. I tell you what that little girl is spoiled, she knew when "Aunti Rachel" walked in she gets something, weather it be a hug, a treat, a new book or paints she expects something. I had no problem spoiling Kate, like i had no problem spoiling you, and Amy, she felt the same way. We did not know how long we would have our girls with us.
Well, i got a call today that medical treatment has been stopped for Ms Kate. She is on meds to help with pain. How many days Kate has left no one will know, maybe a miracle will come our way and we will watch her get married, or maybe ill get a terrible phone call tomorrow. I dont want to bury another little girl, i dont want to bury a boy, i want to be buried.
I went and saw Kate, Amy and Jeff today, they are having a celebration of life party ( just like we had for you) tomorrow, i hope Kate is not to groggy for it and is awake. I sat by kates bed today, one hand holding kates the other holding Amy's, sobbing about this disease. When one of our many favorite nurses walked in, she sat and sobbed with us. When the "men" walked in they told us to cut it out that kate did not want to see us sobbing, so we listened.
I HATE that parents are burying their children, it is not just Kate's family, or my family, every day to
many kids are taken from this world due to this terrible disease. I hate it and i want it to stop.
I honestly thought since you did not make it that Kate would. I had high high hopes for this little girl, she was going to marry another cancer patient Brandon, Brandon always peared in on her and blew kisses to her. I thought the chemo would not take her hearing ( she wears hearing aids and is partially deaf).
It hurts me to bring a child into this world. Right now all im thinking is, what if i have to do this all over again? What if a little cold turns into blood tranfusions, chemo, physical, ocupation, and speach therapy ( all which youve recieved). What if something else takes this childs life? A car accident, a stupid babysitter who shakes them, right now i pretty much hate the world.
The only thing i love about cancer is i made a best friend, ive met an amazing family, Amys has been there for me, as ive been there for her, and i wish her nothing but comfort in the coming weeks, months, years, or even hours.
With out Jeff and Amy, i dont think your dad and i woul get through this.
So tonight, we are lighting a candle for Kate.
Love, Mommy
And for my readers ( if there are any):
If you would please light a candle for Kate im sure her family would appriciate it.
Once again i hate to admit i feel a bit silly writing this, ive debated what to say or if i should write anything since 6am, ive started this post three times, and ive deleated it three times so i hope the fourth time is a charm. Here it goes, to say its been a rough day is an understatement
You had a very good friend while you were in the hospital. Her name is Kate, Kate is around your age and was diagnosed a week after you with the same kind of cancer you had. You and Kate roomed next door to each other many times. Kate's mom and i would sit in the parent lounge every night while you girls were in the hospital at the same time, we would drink endless amounts of coffee, eat all the nurse's treats, and talk for hours, we would, talk about our hopes our dreams for our daughters and our fears for our daughters.
When you passed away, Amy and jeff ( Kates parents) stood by us sobbing with us, fearing that one day this would be their baby girl too, mourning the loss of their daughters friend. Amy called me up after your death and asked how she would get through this with out me, so for months on end, every night id come home from work and make the drive to the hospital, press the number 5, and some how would build up the strength to go and sit with Kate and her mom. I'd look into room 503 and see a new family, fighting for their childs life, id see the same nurses the same doctors doing the amazing things that to them is just a job, to us its our world. We would watch movies, we would talk, laugh, play games and cuddle with Kate. I probably spent four nights a week at the hospital with Amy and Kate, Daddy and Jeff would have "Man time" as we call it, when they dont talk about their feelings.
As Kate grew older, when she was home, we would take walks with Kate, id chear her on during therapy sessions, we would color together and when kate landed in the hospital back i went. I tell you what that little girl is spoiled, she knew when "Aunti Rachel" walked in she gets something, weather it be a hug, a treat, a new book or paints she expects something. I had no problem spoiling Kate, like i had no problem spoiling you, and Amy, she felt the same way. We did not know how long we would have our girls with us.
Well, i got a call today that medical treatment has been stopped for Ms Kate. She is on meds to help with pain. How many days Kate has left no one will know, maybe a miracle will come our way and we will watch her get married, or maybe ill get a terrible phone call tomorrow. I dont want to bury another little girl, i dont want to bury a boy, i want to be buried.
I went and saw Kate, Amy and Jeff today, they are having a celebration of life party ( just like we had for you) tomorrow, i hope Kate is not to groggy for it and is awake. I sat by kates bed today, one hand holding kates the other holding Amy's, sobbing about this disease. When one of our many favorite nurses walked in, she sat and sobbed with us. When the "men" walked in they told us to cut it out that kate did not want to see us sobbing, so we listened.
I HATE that parents are burying their children, it is not just Kate's family, or my family, every day to
many kids are taken from this world due to this terrible disease. I hate it and i want it to stop.
I honestly thought since you did not make it that Kate would. I had high high hopes for this little girl, she was going to marry another cancer patient Brandon, Brandon always peared in on her and blew kisses to her. I thought the chemo would not take her hearing ( she wears hearing aids and is partially deaf).
It hurts me to bring a child into this world. Right now all im thinking is, what if i have to do this all over again? What if a little cold turns into blood tranfusions, chemo, physical, ocupation, and speach therapy ( all which youve recieved). What if something else takes this childs life? A car accident, a stupid babysitter who shakes them, right now i pretty much hate the world.
The only thing i love about cancer is i made a best friend, ive met an amazing family, Amys has been there for me, as ive been there for her, and i wish her nothing but comfort in the coming weeks, months, years, or even hours.
With out Jeff and Amy, i dont think your dad and i woul get through this.
So tonight, we are lighting a candle for Kate.
Love, Mommy
And for my readers ( if there are any):
If you would please light a candle for Kate im sure her family would appriciate it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Letter Three
Little Miss Chloe,
I told the doctor ( remember the talking doctor not the sick doctor) that i would write every day for a week if i felt it didnt help i could send these letters up into the world in the air in a balloon and tell her she was wrong, well its day three and though i hate sharing my feelings ( kind of like your father) i guess this kind of helps, i dont know what i think about publishing these for the internet world to see, part of me hopes no one reads this as this could just be a place where i can just keep all of my letters in one place, part of me hopes the whole world sees this so they know how much i loved you, how i wont stop loving you and how i never stop thinking about you.
It is true, sorry to say you are all i think about, i go to bed saying goodnight Chloe, i sleep with your quilt, remember the quilt that i made you? I sleep with "Bow Wow" your stuffed dog, daddy and i fight over the dog sometimes so we put him in beatween us, poor bow wow gets crushed by us, but he has yet to complain. Maybe when this little baby is born bow wow will go in their cirb and not be crushed anymore we will see.
I have big hopes, big dreams for this little baby to be. You lived for 13 months, in that time you were the perfect baby, i know everyone says they have the perfect baby but you were. You rarely cried, rarely screamed, when you were poked with needles for blood transfusions you sat there and flirted with the doctors and nurses. The first few times you screamed your head off but sadly i think you got used to them. I almost think you liked those transfusions like you knew they helped you, after the first few you would just hang out in mommmy or daddy's arms while they messed with you, towards the end of your precious life, i would leave the room, daddy would leave the room we could not see them put needles into you anymore, and you know what? You didnt care. Maybe it was because you got to watch elmo, who knows.
We would leave you with babysitters ( something i dont know if i will ever have the courage to do with this new baby) and they would say oh she was great, id text them while we were at dinner, did she go down okay, Lisa ( our favorite) Would always answer with "Rachel, Seriously? i put her down, gave her the binky and she laughed at me and passed out." Then you would sleep for ten hours, you did this from the time you were a few weeks old. We would give you a binky you would literally laugh for a few seconds we would leave and i assume you went right to bed, unless you were partying in there with out us, very possible.
When you got very sick just after your birthday, just after we celebrated remission the doctors would ussually give a patient meds to manage the pain during their "Last days" ( oh do you know how much it hurts to say that?) Well with you little miss, they were not needed, im sure you were in pain but you were not bothered by it, and honestly we would have rather had a normal Chloe for a few days and be able to play with you then have a drugged baby who slept for her last hours. You never cried during those last few days, you were prefect it was like you wanted your fight to end and you were accepting it ( something i still have yet to accept.)
I will always remember your last few moments laying across mommy and daddy in the bed, mainly because it was a big fight over who got to hold you, thats how much you were loved. Grandma Grandpa, everyone was around, we had a big cake, champaigne it was our celebration of life party, the days you took your last breaths. Just after we toasted you, you fell asleep and didnt wake up, it was so peacefull. it was like you were waiting, knowing how much grandma spent on that pretty cake, knowing how expensive two bottles of champaigne were, you wanted to let us celebrated and you wanted to let go of this evil ilness in the presence of everyone you love.
Well, my short little blog this morning has turned long and your doggies are barking to go outside ( we got a new puppy, ill tell you about him later). And mamma needs to go to work!
Love you
Ps. I feel silly writing these i wont lie
I told the doctor ( remember the talking doctor not the sick doctor) that i would write every day for a week if i felt it didnt help i could send these letters up into the world in the air in a balloon and tell her she was wrong, well its day three and though i hate sharing my feelings ( kind of like your father) i guess this kind of helps, i dont know what i think about publishing these for the internet world to see, part of me hopes no one reads this as this could just be a place where i can just keep all of my letters in one place, part of me hopes the whole world sees this so they know how much i loved you, how i wont stop loving you and how i never stop thinking about you.
It is true, sorry to say you are all i think about, i go to bed saying goodnight Chloe, i sleep with your quilt, remember the quilt that i made you? I sleep with "Bow Wow" your stuffed dog, daddy and i fight over the dog sometimes so we put him in beatween us, poor bow wow gets crushed by us, but he has yet to complain. Maybe when this little baby is born bow wow will go in their cirb and not be crushed anymore we will see.
I have big hopes, big dreams for this little baby to be. You lived for 13 months, in that time you were the perfect baby, i know everyone says they have the perfect baby but you were. You rarely cried, rarely screamed, when you were poked with needles for blood transfusions you sat there and flirted with the doctors and nurses. The first few times you screamed your head off but sadly i think you got used to them. I almost think you liked those transfusions like you knew they helped you, after the first few you would just hang out in mommmy or daddy's arms while they messed with you, towards the end of your precious life, i would leave the room, daddy would leave the room we could not see them put needles into you anymore, and you know what? You didnt care. Maybe it was because you got to watch elmo, who knows.
We would leave you with babysitters ( something i dont know if i will ever have the courage to do with this new baby) and they would say oh she was great, id text them while we were at dinner, did she go down okay, Lisa ( our favorite) Would always answer with "Rachel, Seriously? i put her down, gave her the binky and she laughed at me and passed out." Then you would sleep for ten hours, you did this from the time you were a few weeks old. We would give you a binky you would literally laugh for a few seconds we would leave and i assume you went right to bed, unless you were partying in there with out us, very possible.
When you got very sick just after your birthday, just after we celebrated remission the doctors would ussually give a patient meds to manage the pain during their "Last days" ( oh do you know how much it hurts to say that?) Well with you little miss, they were not needed, im sure you were in pain but you were not bothered by it, and honestly we would have rather had a normal Chloe for a few days and be able to play with you then have a drugged baby who slept for her last hours. You never cried during those last few days, you were prefect it was like you wanted your fight to end and you were accepting it ( something i still have yet to accept.)
I will always remember your last few moments laying across mommy and daddy in the bed, mainly because it was a big fight over who got to hold you, thats how much you were loved. Grandma Grandpa, everyone was around, we had a big cake, champaigne it was our celebration of life party, the days you took your last breaths. Just after we toasted you, you fell asleep and didnt wake up, it was so peacefull. it was like you were waiting, knowing how much grandma spent on that pretty cake, knowing how expensive two bottles of champaigne were, you wanted to let us celebrated and you wanted to let go of this evil ilness in the presence of everyone you love.
Well, my short little blog this morning has turned long and your doggies are barking to go outside ( we got a new puppy, ill tell you about him later). And mamma needs to go to work!
Love you
Ps. I feel silly writing these i wont lie
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Letter Two
Little Miss,
Writing to you, i wont lie its wierd to me, when my therapist suggested it i laughed. I wrote the first letter many times and deleated it many times not knowing what to write. I dont know what to belive, are you an angel? Of course you are, but what kind of angel? Where are you? Im not a religious person and since your death unfortunatly that has not changed.
I used to belive everything happens for a reson, thats what Grandma ( my mom) used to tell me. I feel like there is a reason for miscarriage, i feel like maybe that baby would not have survived outside of the womb for some reason, i belive that happens for a reason. However when you lose a baby to this horrible disease, theres no reason for that to happen. I have been a good person all my life, so its not carma biting me in the you know what, and if i twas carma then they should choose another way like speeding tickets not taking my daughter away from me from cancer. I often sit an ponder why is this happening? what is the reason, if everything does happen for a reason. Well, i no longer belive this everything happens for a reason stuff. There is no reason to take away a 13 month old baby girl from her family, no reason what so ever.
Everything happens for a reason, i think not
Love, Mommy
Writing to you, i wont lie its wierd to me, when my therapist suggested it i laughed. I wrote the first letter many times and deleated it many times not knowing what to write. I dont know what to belive, are you an angel? Of course you are, but what kind of angel? Where are you? Im not a religious person and since your death unfortunatly that has not changed.
I used to belive everything happens for a reson, thats what Grandma ( my mom) used to tell me. I feel like there is a reason for miscarriage, i feel like maybe that baby would not have survived outside of the womb for some reason, i belive that happens for a reason. However when you lose a baby to this horrible disease, theres no reason for that to happen. I have been a good person all my life, so its not carma biting me in the you know what, and if i twas carma then they should choose another way like speeding tickets not taking my daughter away from me from cancer. I often sit an ponder why is this happening? what is the reason, if everything does happen for a reason. Well, i no longer belive this everything happens for a reason stuff. There is no reason to take away a 13 month old baby girl from her family, no reason what so ever.
Everything happens for a reason, i think not
Love, Mommy
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Welcome
Welcome one and all!
I am doing this as per the recomendation of my therapist, no idea how much i will post but here are letters to my angel.
Below is Chloe's Story
I had a great pregnancy with our Chloe, no morning sickness had ton of energy everything was great. I was a member on awebsite during my pregnancy and people would comment on how pregnancy was terrible they had bad morning sickness ect, then we saw babies who didnt make it mis carriages, still births ect, and i kept think wow im so lucky but this is to good to be true. Chloe was born and was the perfect baby she slept through the night at a couple of weeks old, and im tlaking sleeping like ten hours at night. Again, i thought lifes to perfect no baby does this, no baby sleeps this much. Everything was great, at 8 months old she developed a cold after it would not go away we went ot the doctor, he sent us home said she was fine just a common cold.
A week later we took her into daycare and she was perfect and happy, she still had a small cold but nothing major. That afternoon we got a panic phone call from her daycare providor, Chloe woke up in a cold sweat, she was sweating everywhere, she soaked through her sheets and she had a high fever. We of course brought her to the doctor right away. We found out right away that her white blood cell count was to high, she needed the first of many transfusions.
We were admitted to the hospital and the following day we found out our worst fears had some true, our baby girl at 8 months old was being diagnosed with AML Luekimia. With treatment she had a small chance of survival, without treatment she would be with us for only hours more.
She went through numerous blood transfusions and 4 rounds of chemo therapy. She was in remission for a few days during her first birthday but unfortunatly an infection took over her body and she passed away at 13 months.
We are so excited to be pregnant and due in May
I am doing this as per the recomendation of my therapist, no idea how much i will post but here are letters to my angel.
Below is Chloe's Story
I had a great pregnancy with our Chloe, no morning sickness had ton of energy everything was great. I was a member on awebsite during my pregnancy and people would comment on how pregnancy was terrible they had bad morning sickness ect, then we saw babies who didnt make it mis carriages, still births ect, and i kept think wow im so lucky but this is to good to be true. Chloe was born and was the perfect baby she slept through the night at a couple of weeks old, and im tlaking sleeping like ten hours at night. Again, i thought lifes to perfect no baby does this, no baby sleeps this much. Everything was great, at 8 months old she developed a cold after it would not go away we went ot the doctor, he sent us home said she was fine just a common cold.
A week later we took her into daycare and she was perfect and happy, she still had a small cold but nothing major. That afternoon we got a panic phone call from her daycare providor, Chloe woke up in a cold sweat, she was sweating everywhere, she soaked through her sheets and she had a high fever. We of course brought her to the doctor right away. We found out right away that her white blood cell count was to high, she needed the first of many transfusions.
We were admitted to the hospital and the following day we found out our worst fears had some true, our baby girl at 8 months old was being diagnosed with AML Luekimia. With treatment she had a small chance of survival, without treatment she would be with us for only hours more.
She went through numerous blood transfusions and 4 rounds of chemo therapy. She was in remission for a few days during her first birthday but unfortunatly an infection took over her body and she passed away at 13 months.
We are so excited to be pregnant and due in May
Letter One
Dearest Chloe,
You have blessed us with two babies, unfortunatly one has not made it and you have one little brother or sister waiting to make her debut in May. I honestly think this little one is a boy theres a few reasons, but the main reason is that daddy and I have been having such fights about names and i think naming a boy would not cause a world war two in the house, well i guess this would be three.
After you passed Daddy and I went through some hard times, we had a chemical pregnancy ( though i know you dont kn ow what that is) we were pregnant then were not, we almost got divorced then we renewed our vows took a trip to Paris and now were waiting on your brother or sister.
So back to the name thing, we want to name this baby after you, some place in the name we want Chloe or Anne, and lets face it naming you was pretty dang hard, so we know we both like those names, and we want your memory to live on. We have so many ideas both of us for names that include Chloe or Anne in them but we can not agree on one, and i was crying to my poor doctor yesterday about names. I feel like if we have a boy life would be easier, it would be new, i would not only have an easier time with names ( though finding a boy name that has Chloe or Anne in it would be hard and not really nice, we are thinking of C and A Names. And so you know little miss ( Remember how we always called you that since you ruled our house?) I am not going to a doctor becuase I am sick like you were, its the talking Doctor as we call her she helps me sort out my lifes problems. Anyways, im going off on a tangent but i feel like if we had a boy this time around there would be nothing to compare to, i would not be worried if he got sick, because boys sickness's are different then girls ( i know im living in a fairy tale land).
All i want is for my son or daughter to bury me, i want to die before them, if i have to put another little tiny tiny pink or blue casket into the ground i think it will put me over the edge. Burying you was the hardest thing ever ( you know you were there). When we buried Little Ian, your cousin who passed away from the same damn cancer that took you i said after that funeral i never want to see that many grown men cry again, and sure enough when we had your funeral they all cried again, you know you were there you saw how hard it was. I will not go through it again i refuse to, and because of that reason as soon as this baby comes we are getting every test out there, i will make them count the babies blood cells make sure they are not to high or low ( how you were diagnosed), i will march that baby into the ER like a crazy women when he or she has a cold, people can laugh at me but i will forever carry the necklace with you and me in it around my neck so when they say im crazy ill say look at this cute face do you see her with me? NO, you dont, thats why im marching him or her in here like a crazy person.
You have taught me alot Chloe, youve taught me how to love someone again ( ie your father) even when he refuses therapy or thinks its crazy that im going to print this and attach it to a pink baloon and sent it off into the world ( remember all the pink balloons?) You loved them! Even though daddy is not perfect i love him, i worry for him, that this grief that he is to manly to deal with will take over him, im hoping it does so that he will go and talk to someone. YOu see, if you remember daddy works as a fire man, remember riding the truck? Seeing all the guys, "Auntie Kathy, and Uncle Lee" at the fire station? He likes to be a man's man, he is trying to be tough probably for me but its jsut eating him alive, i hope one day and one day soon he will get some therapy.
That is is for now i think, whatever you do, if you have the power, make this baby happy healthy and one who lives longer then i do:)
Love you little Miss!
You have blessed us with two babies, unfortunatly one has not made it and you have one little brother or sister waiting to make her debut in May. I honestly think this little one is a boy theres a few reasons, but the main reason is that daddy and I have been having such fights about names and i think naming a boy would not cause a world war two in the house, well i guess this would be three.
After you passed Daddy and I went through some hard times, we had a chemical pregnancy ( though i know you dont kn ow what that is) we were pregnant then were not, we almost got divorced then we renewed our vows took a trip to Paris and now were waiting on your brother or sister.
So back to the name thing, we want to name this baby after you, some place in the name we want Chloe or Anne, and lets face it naming you was pretty dang hard, so we know we both like those names, and we want your memory to live on. We have so many ideas both of us for names that include Chloe or Anne in them but we can not agree on one, and i was crying to my poor doctor yesterday about names. I feel like if we have a boy life would be easier, it would be new, i would not only have an easier time with names ( though finding a boy name that has Chloe or Anne in it would be hard and not really nice, we are thinking of C and A Names. And so you know little miss ( Remember how we always called you that since you ruled our house?) I am not going to a doctor becuase I am sick like you were, its the talking Doctor as we call her she helps me sort out my lifes problems. Anyways, im going off on a tangent but i feel like if we had a boy this time around there would be nothing to compare to, i would not be worried if he got sick, because boys sickness's are different then girls ( i know im living in a fairy tale land).
All i want is for my son or daughter to bury me, i want to die before them, if i have to put another little tiny tiny pink or blue casket into the ground i think it will put me over the edge. Burying you was the hardest thing ever ( you know you were there). When we buried Little Ian, your cousin who passed away from the same damn cancer that took you i said after that funeral i never want to see that many grown men cry again, and sure enough when we had your funeral they all cried again, you know you were there you saw how hard it was. I will not go through it again i refuse to, and because of that reason as soon as this baby comes we are getting every test out there, i will make them count the babies blood cells make sure they are not to high or low ( how you were diagnosed), i will march that baby into the ER like a crazy women when he or she has a cold, people can laugh at me but i will forever carry the necklace with you and me in it around my neck so when they say im crazy ill say look at this cute face do you see her with me? NO, you dont, thats why im marching him or her in here like a crazy person.
You have taught me alot Chloe, youve taught me how to love someone again ( ie your father) even when he refuses therapy or thinks its crazy that im going to print this and attach it to a pink baloon and sent it off into the world ( remember all the pink balloons?) You loved them! Even though daddy is not perfect i love him, i worry for him, that this grief that he is to manly to deal with will take over him, im hoping it does so that he will go and talk to someone. YOu see, if you remember daddy works as a fire man, remember riding the truck? Seeing all the guys, "Auntie Kathy, and Uncle Lee" at the fire station? He likes to be a man's man, he is trying to be tough probably for me but its jsut eating him alive, i hope one day and one day soon he will get some therapy.
That is is for now i think, whatever you do, if you have the power, make this baby happy healthy and one who lives longer then i do:)
Love you little Miss!
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