Heres my attempt.

Chloe,

I sit here on  a gergous Sunny Cold Sunday morniing drinking my coffee, watching a deer outside in the yard and i cant think how unfair life is. Why a baby, child, teenager, or even a young adult gets taken from this world everyday from cancer is beyond me. Why another parent will be going through the hell ive gone through while their child is poked, and diagnosed with a cancer is beyond me. Why did i ever put poision into your body to help you? I have no idea ( and im talking about chemo). Did i kill you? Did the posion kill you? I know it didnt but still.

When i would go pick up your meds at Walgreens the lady would always tell me, Ms Richards, why in the world are you back? She knew why, i was picking up the endless amount of medicane for my baby girl who had cancer, yep i was that mom. Do you know how long it took me to face the nice people at the Walgreens pharmacy after you passed? I had to switch pharmacys because i did not want to be that mother in another place, that mother who lost their child. I did not want to go back to that walgreens and for them to ask hows sweet Chloe? How would i answer that?  So yes, its been over a year since ive seen those nice people, instead i go 5 minutes further to a King Soopers where they are not nearly as nice but they dont know that my life is terrible, they have no idea that i lost a baby to cancer and you know what? I like it like that.

Remember the small town we live in? Well, everyone knows me, they all brought meals when you were sick, they all sent letters, cards, flowers when you passed, they all know where you are buried and i am that person. The person who when i walk into the coffee shop they give me the sympathetic hello are you doing ok? I hate it, i hate the sympathy i dont want your damn sympathy i want this illness to stop. If one more person tells me how sorry they are, i dont know what im going to do, its a given that they are sorry and repeating it brings back pain, but who am i kidding? The pain is always there.

It saddens me to bring another baby into this world. I am scared shitless of the what ifs, i am scared this baby will get some other disease, that it will be stillborn or get sids, maybe get the flue when it is 3 days old and not be able to fight it. I am dreading that it will come to early, and just a week ago i wanted the baby to come early, i wanted it to come on the day you passed,that would make it 1 month early, but now now i dont. Do i want it to come on kate's bday? No no i dont, i dont know if i want it to come out at all, i think id like to let it grow up in the safety of my tummy where i can protect it from this terrible harsh world. My God please please let this baby be ok, let me not wake up in fear every day, let me not go to the er at 8am, and please please i dont ever want to get a call from its daycare providor stating come pick up so and so there fever is out of control and they have wet their bed sheets from sweat.

Which brings me to the next point, Daddy expects me to leave this baby alone with someone, i laugh at him. I think I am going to quit my job, i know that Chloe would have been diagnosed with or with out daycare, i know i would have still had a baby sweating out of her crib but she would have been at home. I never want to receive a call from a daycare, nanny or babysitter again. I dont want to be that mom who calls the daycare or sitter ten times to make sure the baby does not have a fever. for them to tell me mam, you dropped your baby off and they were normal this morning. Well, i dropped a normal Chloe off at daycare only to have it become the worst day of my life. So, with that im quitting my job, when? Who knows, but i will, i love my job, i work in early intervention, and this is a great service that you recieved while sick, and it hurts me to not do this anymore, i love it, but i cant leave this baby with someone like a daycare sitter ect im to paranoid. Maybe grandma will watch him/her, or auntie Lynn or someone but still i dont know. Part of me wants to spend all my time and money looking for a cure to this crap.

I volunteer at the Childrens Hospital where you and Kate both lived for many many years, and i say lived becasue you were there more then at home sadly, i love it, i love giving those parents a break. When you were in the hospital we had a rule, well mommy had a rule you were never going to be alone ( i was a bit crazy, still am hehe). Well, when ever we would go home for a bit, we would call the nurse and up came a smiling volunteer, they would gladly put on a mask, gown, wash their hands and play with you. Oh those volunteers loved you. They would always come up with a new toy and would rock you untill you were asleep and couldnt think of this eveil world, and i love that i now do this for people, does it hurt? Yeah it hurts like hell. But i love relating to the parents, i love the help and peace i can give them so they can go home and do laundry, or can go take a shower and know their little one is being entertained. Happy? Well the kids arnt always happy but ya know. So on that note i have no idea what im going to do, i qill quit my job,  i dont know when and im not 100 percent sure why but i know i want to spend all the time with my little baby because i lost out on so many great years with you.

Wow, can you say tangent? I sat down to takl about Kate, and look at this all about me for 6 paragraphs. So lets talk about kate...
Her favorite color was Yellow
Her "Lovey" Remember your bow wow, she had a rabbit hop hop
Her favorite food was french fries
She always had a smile on her face, much like you no matter how many needles went into her she was happy
She was perfect as were you

Her funeral is Tuesday and i honestly dont know if i can go, of course i will but seeing a little casket in the ground will kill me,  think it may put me over the edge and im scared shitless. I am scared because im pregnant, im now scared for this unborn baby, who before i was scared to bring into the world ( obviously im not sure whats up with the emotions and cant think straight apparently haha) so i was scared to bring this baby into the world a few minutes ago and now im afrraid to see another pink caket go into the ground becasue im scared for this unborn baby, im scared that stress will get the most of me and ill go into pre term labor, i went to see the therapist yesterday and we talked on the phone early this orning, and life is killing me slowely i honestly belive this. I am calling my ob tomorrow because im so scared for this unborn baby and all the stress, i dont care what it takes i will freaking be seen ( haha im a bitch i guess, excuse my language). I honestly am scared im scared for life, and i want the ob to put me on some kind of happy medicane, i want a med that makes life okay, and i want to see that this baby is a ok.

Well, i guess this helped? Who knows

Love you and Ms. Kate!