Letter Four

Dearest Chloe,

Once again i hate to admit i feel a bit silly writing this, ive debated what to say or if i should write anything since 6am, ive started this post three times, and ive deleated it three times so i hope the fourth time is a charm. Here it goes, to say its been a rough day is an understatement

You had a very good friend while you were in the hospital.  Her  name is Kate, Kate is around your age and was diagnosed a week  after you with the same kind of cancer you had. You and Kate roomed next door to each other many times. Kate's mom and i would sit in the parent lounge every night while you girls were in the hospital at the same time, we would drink endless amounts of coffee, eat all the nurse's treats, and talk for hours, we would, talk about our hopes our dreams for our daughters and our fears for our daughters.

When you passed away, Amy and jeff ( Kates parents) stood by us sobbing with us, fearing that one day this would be their baby girl too, mourning the loss of their daughters friend. Amy called me up after your death and asked how she would get through this with out me, so for months on end, every night id come home from work and make the drive to the hospital, press the number 5, and some how would build up the strength to go and sit with Kate and her mom. I'd look into room 503 and see a new family, fighting for their childs life, id see the same nurses the same doctors doing the amazing things that to them is just a job, to us its our world.  We would watch movies, we would talk, laugh, play games and cuddle with Kate. I probably spent four nights a week at the hospital with Amy and Kate, Daddy and Jeff would have "Man time" as we call it, when they dont talk about their feelings.

As Kate grew older, when she was home, we would take walks with Kate, id chear her on during therapy sessions, we would color together and when kate landed in the hospital back i went. I tell you what that little girl is spoiled, she knew when "Aunti Rachel" walked in she gets something, weather it be a hug, a treat, a new book or paints she expects something. I had no problem spoiling Kate, like i had no problem spoiling you, and Amy, she felt the same way. We did not know how long we would have our girls with us.

Well, i got a call today that medical treatment has been stopped for Ms Kate. She is on meds to help with pain. How many days Kate has left no one will know, maybe a miracle will come our way and we will watch her get married, or maybe ill get a terrible phone call tomorrow. I dont want to bury another little girl, i dont want to bury a boy, i want to be buried.

I went and saw Kate, Amy and Jeff today, they are having a celebration of life party ( just like we had for you) tomorrow, i hope Kate is not to groggy for it and is awake. I sat by kates bed today, one hand holding kates the other holding Amy's, sobbing about this disease. When one of our many favorite nurses walked in, she sat and sobbed with us. When the "men" walked in they told us to cut it out that kate did not want to see us sobbing, so we listened.

I HATE that parents are burying their children, it is not just Kate's family, or my family, every day to
many kids are taken from this world due to this terrible disease. I hate it and i want it to stop.

I honestly thought since you did not make it that Kate would. I had high high hopes for this little girl, she was going to marry another cancer patient Brandon, Brandon always peared in on her and blew kisses to her. I thought the chemo would not take her hearing ( she wears hearing aids and is partially deaf).

It hurts me to bring a child into this world. Right now all im thinking is, what if i have to do this all over again? What if a little cold turns into blood tranfusions, chemo, physical, ocupation, and speach therapy ( all which youve recieved). What if something else takes this childs life? A car accident, a stupid babysitter who shakes them, right now i pretty much hate the world.

The only thing i love about cancer is i made a best friend, ive met an amazing family, Amys has been there for me, as ive been there for her, and i wish her nothing but comfort in the coming weeks, months, years, or even hours.
With out Jeff and Amy, i dont think your dad and i woul get through this.
So tonight, we are lighting a candle for Kate.

Love, Mommy

And for my readers ( if there are any):
If you would please light a candle for Kate im sure her family would appriciate it.