1 month

Its almost been 1 month since we said goodbye to your sister Kyra. To say that it does not hurt is an understatement. Life is painfull, i have quit my job, i was planning on doing that coming in March, when your sister was about to be born, but i cant take it anymore. We dont need me to work, and im to much of an emotional mess. At first it was a distraction but now its just terrible. I cant get out of bed and i cry all day, i keep looking at my belly and thinking it should be huge, with a kicking baby in it. We got through the Holidays, lucky for us we are Jewish so its not as big of a deal as christmas is for non Jews. I will sleep through New Years and hope that 2012 is a bit more forgiving. I go to my 6 week appointment with my obgyn on the 16th of January, and we will talk to her about trying to concieve. We got autopsy results back from Ms. Kyra and they were inconclusive, which hurts more then anything, there was no reason for her death. I wish something was wrong, like a chromosone disorder or something then i would  have known she would not have lived outside of the womb, but nothing, incunclusive, no answers, just like your death, no answers. Yes cancer took you, but we have no idea why, why us? Why you? Why Kyra? She will never know life and that is sad

Kids

I have been meaning to write this since Last night and here it goes, bear with me please.
I have always thought i would be a mom, from the time i was 3  years old and i had my baby dolls i knew i wanted to be a mom, i wanted 2 girls and no boys, boys were icky. I watched Full house on tv and then i had a baby doll named Michelle. We used to put my old carseat in the car, id strap Michelle in and ask my mom " Do you think people think we have a baby?" I always wanted a baby in my life.

Now, i dont know, i want a baby in my life i want a child but the thought of getting pregnant again scares me so much, the thought of adopting a baby scares me so much. What if im bad luck to babies, what if a baby gets adopted by us, then gets cancer, or another disease? I can't let that happen to a baby. I am going to the Doctor tomorrow, and she will tell us when we can start trying again, im guessing after 6 weeks like with a regular pregnancy? But if anyone has any insite id love it. I am scared to try, im scared to think i have a perfect pregnancy only to have the baby pass, im scared of everything, im scared of life.

Life

Gosh, so life changes fast ive learned this. Chloe was diagnosed after a small cold and a day at daycare, and i gave birth to a sleeping baby after a normal morning. I was working from home that day, December 1st, i was on the baby message board that im addicted to ( babycenter.com) highly recomended and addicting. I started having cramps and knew something was wrong, we went to the hospital turns out i was having contractions and my baby girl did nothave a heartbeat. I was 5 cm dialated by the time we got to the hospital and i had no idea. I gave birth to Kyra, we got time with her, we got pictures, a memory box ect. I stayed in the hospital a few days and whenever i wanted to see her they would bring her in. We should get autopsy results back next week and i hope they will bring some reassurance. I want to start trying right away all i want is a baby but i dont know if we can, i dont know mentally or physically. Adoption could be our next option, we will see what the next chapter of our lives bring. Untill then, i just need to get out of bed and try to function

Burying another baby

Well Chloe, thats it its over just like that my pregnancy is over and its heartbreaking. Thursday morning i was great, i was hanging out, i was happy, i was normal. I started cramping and knew something was wrong and went to the ER around 12:15pm, they checked the little baby and found no heartbeat. I went on to give birth to Kyra Anne just after 3pm on December 1st weighing 5 ounces even. I am heartbroken, jsut two days earier she was wiggling around. And i hate that im burying another baby tomorrow

Kyra Anne- Stillborn on 12/1/11

Well Chloe, i dont know what to say. I started having contractions late this morning, i went to the ER where they found no heartbeat. I gave birth to a gergous baby girl Kyra Anne stillborn at 3:02pm. I am at a loss for words, im at a loss for everything, i just want to crawl in a whole and die. Why i cant keep a child around is beyond me, first you, then Kyra i dont know what to do. Sorry this is so short but im at a loss for words.
Mommy