1 month

Its almost been 1 month since we said goodbye to your sister Kyra. To say that it does not hurt is an understatement. Life is painfull, i have quit my job, i was planning on doing that coming in March, when your sister was about to be born, but i cant take it anymore. We dont need me to work, and im to much of an emotional mess. At first it was a distraction but now its just terrible. I cant get out of bed and i cry all day, i keep looking at my belly and thinking it should be huge, with a kicking baby in it. We got through the Holidays, lucky for us we are Jewish so its not as big of a deal as christmas is for non Jews. I will sleep through New Years and hope that 2012 is a bit more forgiving. I go to my 6 week appointment with my obgyn on the 16th of January, and we will talk to her about trying to concieve. We got autopsy results back from Ms. Kyra and they were inconclusive, which hurts more then anything, there was no reason for her death. I wish something was wrong, like a chromosone disorder or something then i would  have known she would not have lived outside of the womb, but nothing, incunclusive, no answers, just like your death, no answers. Yes cancer took you, but we have no idea why, why us? Why you? Why Kyra? She will never know life and that is sad

Kids

I have been meaning to write this since Last night and here it goes, bear with me please.
I have always thought i would be a mom, from the time i was 3  years old and i had my baby dolls i knew i wanted to be a mom, i wanted 2 girls and no boys, boys were icky. I watched Full house on tv and then i had a baby doll named Michelle. We used to put my old carseat in the car, id strap Michelle in and ask my mom " Do you think people think we have a baby?" I always wanted a baby in my life.

Now, i dont know, i want a baby in my life i want a child but the thought of getting pregnant again scares me so much, the thought of adopting a baby scares me so much. What if im bad luck to babies, what if a baby gets adopted by us, then gets cancer, or another disease? I can't let that happen to a baby. I am going to the Doctor tomorrow, and she will tell us when we can start trying again, im guessing after 6 weeks like with a regular pregnancy? But if anyone has any insite id love it. I am scared to try, im scared to think i have a perfect pregnancy only to have the baby pass, im scared of everything, im scared of life.

Life

Gosh, so life changes fast ive learned this. Chloe was diagnosed after a small cold and a day at daycare, and i gave birth to a sleeping baby after a normal morning. I was working from home that day, December 1st, i was on the baby message board that im addicted to ( babycenter.com) highly recomended and addicting. I started having cramps and knew something was wrong, we went to the hospital turns out i was having contractions and my baby girl did nothave a heartbeat. I was 5 cm dialated by the time we got to the hospital and i had no idea. I gave birth to Kyra, we got time with her, we got pictures, a memory box ect. I stayed in the hospital a few days and whenever i wanted to see her they would bring her in. We should get autopsy results back next week and i hope they will bring some reassurance. I want to start trying right away all i want is a baby but i dont know if we can, i dont know mentally or physically. Adoption could be our next option, we will see what the next chapter of our lives bring. Untill then, i just need to get out of bed and try to function

Burying another baby

Well Chloe, thats it its over just like that my pregnancy is over and its heartbreaking. Thursday morning i was great, i was hanging out, i was happy, i was normal. I started cramping and knew something was wrong and went to the ER around 12:15pm, they checked the little baby and found no heartbeat. I went on to give birth to Kyra Anne just after 3pm on December 1st weighing 5 ounces even. I am heartbroken, jsut two days earier she was wiggling around. And i hate that im burying another baby tomorrow

Kyra Anne- Stillborn on 12/1/11

Well Chloe, i dont know what to say. I started having contractions late this morning, i went to the ER where they found no heartbeat. I gave birth to a gergous baby girl Kyra Anne stillborn at 3:02pm. I am at a loss for words, im at a loss for everything, i just want to crawl in a whole and die. Why i cant keep a child around is beyond me, first you, then Kyra i dont know what to do. Sorry this is so short but im at a loss for words.
Mommy

ITS A GIRL

Thats right Chloe, your going to be a big sister ( you already knew that) but your going to have a little sister. We are so excited, and im so excited that daddy got to be there when they told us. I would have been happy with a boy, obviously, healthy and happy right? But i am so happy, and as bad as this will sound, im so happy i get a redo. I am so happy i get the chance again to raise a little girl. Its almost like a second lease at life, and i refuse to do anything to put this little girls life in jepordy. I will do everything correctly, she will be spoiled, like you were, she will be loved, as much as you were, and she will know about life, and how unpredictable it can be, and how unfair it can be, she will know about you, she will be sleeping with your photo, and probably your puppy ( if mommy and daddy can give him up). Shes going to know love, and patience, shes going to know health and happyness, shes going to know everything that you never got to know. She will walk, and crawl ( something you never did), she will not be in the hospital longer then for jsut her birth, she will talk, go to prom, have fights with us, and cry with us. She will go on a prom date ( while daddy holds the shot gun), she will get married, and have kids of her own. Shes going to be perfecct just like you were. However, cancer will not take her life i refuse it, i wont let it.

It is official, im qutting my job as of March 1st 2012. Ive learned life is precious, you never know what is going to happen. I will enojy the last few months of my pregnancy because life is unpredictable, i will decorate a nursery, i will go shopping, i will eat healthy foods and i will have a perfect baby, im commited to this. After the baby is born she will not go to daycare, im to  whimpy ( remember that terrible call i recieved?) I am so scared of that to happen again, i replay it in my head  "Chloe soaked through her sheets during nap, high fever, cranky." BUt she was healthy and happy when i dropped her off? LIfe can change that fast, next thing i know im learning about blood transfusions and cancer, something no one should ever have to learn about.

Kates mom and i are starting a non profit, to raise money for not only cancer awarness but to make lives easier for those families battling through this hell. It is still in the planning stages, but we hope to make a house thats safe for families and children with cancer to go ( no germs ect). We hope to hold holidays there for parents who have kids in the hospital, a big Thanksgiving dinner, a big Holiday Dinner, we hope to provide laptops to students who are in the hospital so they can communicate with friends, and do homework so they themselves can have bright futures full of education, we hope to provide tools for parents, financial assistance so parents who live 400 miles away can stay close to their children who are in the hospital, we will have dinners, walks, runs, races, and much more, its going to be amazing. We will provde meals in the hospital for the nurses and doctors who spend endless hours making our lives better we will provide hope.

 Your legacy will live on through our new daughter and our new organazation. To say i miss you is an understatment

Dont have Much to say..

dearest Chloe,

The name fight continues, to name your new brother or sister that is, i was crying last night over a name, nothing is working, we thought we loved the name Cole, but daddy wants Coleton, and well yuck, i dont like that name, then we have a middle name problem what middle names goes with Cole that could still honor you? And girls names we cant agree and have to many, so i dont know what to do but cry, its what i do anyways. We find out Tuesday if we have a boy or a girl and im sure world war what ever number were on will start up again.

Kates funeral sucked, theres no way around that. I knew it would, but i was hpoing it would be alittle easier then yours, as she is not my child, but nope no such luck it was terrible, i sat there looking into the ground at a cute pink casket and all i could think of was the day that we burried you. ONce again i dont ever want to see that many grown men cry again.

I am not thankfull for much this year. When we sat around the dining room table for Thanksgiving i could not think of one thing i was thankfull for..But here is my short short list

*that i got to spend as long as i did with you
*That i have a healthy baby growing in me
*for my wonderfull family